Losing Tim, Our Youngest Son & My Brother Eric

It has now been a year since we lost our youngest child, Tim. He died suddenly on January 26th from a heart attack. No one knew he was at risk and he was young feeling "immortal" like kid's do.

I still don't have the words to write about it. I created a facebook and myspace page for him since he wasn't really into computers. I have to admit that I do enjoy maintaining his site and creating a country life for him in "FarmVille".

I also discovered that since he passed away when I take pictures now there are these wonderful "Orbs", beautifully colored in rainbows and all different sizes and textures. For now I don't know what to make of them except that I enjoy them, feel a sense of comfort with them and consider myself fortunate that I can express my feelings by putting together video's of them. I hope you enjoy them. In a way he is living on in cyberspace.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gkE6tOFqK4

Then in September I lost my middle brother Eric to Pancreatic Cancer, in 2005 asbestos cancer took our father Bill. So I have known a lot of loss and pain of losing a loved one. We are pretty much conditioned to accept the death of our parents, even from an early age we realize that they will die before us with old age so when a parent passes over it is very sad but expected and accepted. The same isn't true with a child, sibling or even good friends for that matter, I've watched 2 girlfriends die from breast cancer. This is a difficult thing to write about because it stirs a lot of emotions in me so I will just stop this post here. But I will admit that I created a myspace/facebook for both my dad and brother. Is it morbid that I feel a bit connected with them when I do? Is it an accident that I get shocked a lot and weird stuff happens with my computer? I don't know, I won't know until it is my time and I hope that it isn't for a long while.

Will I Ever Feel Better?

Another year has come and gone and we have accomplished a lot if I sit down and think about it.

We relocated to a wonderful new place, built a home, hubby started a new job, the critters are all taken care of and I am alive. The sad part is that I have lost my father, brother and our youngest son. So now every day I look at what it is I can do versus what I can’t do. I don’t know until I wake up in the morning if it is going to be a good day or bad day.’

Lately, for the past month it seems that I am having way more bettter days then bad days. That is a blessing and I am so grateful to have what I have and to be where I am. I was just hoping I would be better enough to get back to my “Life”, to fulfill my dream of continuing with the wildlife education and research. I have worked so hard to get out of a death bed and to acquire some what of a productive existence. At least it is better than laying in a bed watching inane TV or the trees outside your bedroom window grow. I hated that existence and still don’t know why I can’t get any better.

Each day it is an ordeal to crawl out of bed and begin morning chores. I try to go as long as I can each day before I have to take the Pain medication. Once I have taken that I am “home bound”, I don’t dare go out and drive on that stuff so I make sure all my off grounds time is in the morning.

I keep asking God why am I still here and what more can I do to get better and I keep getting nothing. At least I think it is nothing but my husband begs to differ with me. He is the light of my life, my main reason for living each day to take good care of him. He does his best to see what kind of day I’m having and is there if I need help doing some thing.

Simple tasks like keeping the house up is difficult. Since this pra-thyroid disease I have found myself OCD in many things and yet I can’t do many of the compulsions I obsess over. I have to laugh at times because if I don’t I will cry. The osteoarthritis I have seems to come and go, I have bad flare ups and then will have some good days. On those good days I get myself in trouble though because I will over do it trying to make up for down time. This I have found is my worst mistake and I have to stop doing this since all it is doing is taking away from having more good time.

Hubby says I am doing better and the last time I saw my primary care Doctor there wasn’t any thing seriously going on I must assume that I am doing better. But, I still don’t feel good. Will that ever change? Will I ever feel like I did before I got sick, so full of life, quick minded, go getter, hyper active, enthusiastic, adventurous, I don’t know, I may never have that back again.

Every day in Every way I am getting better and better….that has been my mantra for over 10 years. Drawing on my “Silva” and ministerial teachings I have trusted in God, found the Lord and am still here. It has been a long road and I want to keep going, I just don’t know how well I’m going to travel it. Time will tell. I think I know how to continue my ministry even though I am handicapped, and it is divinely inspired so I shall walk through that door now and see what wants to happen.